Stripe 2 - Done and Done (or not)

I had a test today in jiu-jitsu, for Bujutsu, 11th kyu. (2nd stripe, Gold Belt) Hardest thing I've done in a while. The testing process took almost two hours, which was suprising in itself, and then the actual testing elements were incredibly tiring and...well, tough.

After watching Erika, however, as she was testing for her 2nd stripe, blue belt, I cannot complain. She not only had to grapple for extra time, she had to wrestle our sensei; thus, she had to lose, quickly yet gracefully, time and again, in front of the entire class. Talk about poise. She did a wonderful job.

I have learned over the years that I am an incredibly competitive person, yet, with no one am I more antagonistically competitive than with myself. Losing is not a loss to another player/fighter; rather, it's a failure on my part to rise to the standards set before me, or to accomplish/remember all of the skills I have been practicing. Though I didn't lose any of my grappling matches today, neither did I win any of them. Shelley and I, and then Eva and I, both came to a draw each time. I got frustrated with the Eva match because I couldn't pull off the sleeve choke, and then couldn't think of how to get around that "locked door."

But I think that the most important thing about that match wasn't that she didn't submit me, or even that I failed to submit her. Instead, I had a moment of intuition, of instinct, if you will, in that I suddenly recalled the technique for escaping the half-guard- and then I pulled it off. I actually did it correctly and regained the mount. That moment was just, well, cool. (I shouted out loud, actually, which is not exactly the best etiquette, but it was a thrilling feeling)

When Randy, our sensei, was handing out the stripes at the conclusion of the test, I realized that obtaining a black belt, far away and as impossible as it seems, is one of the biggest goals of my life. For the first time, I have a committment that I want to pursue for years and years, through all of the hard parts and the failures and the sweat. I want that. That's why this post title includes the parenthetical "or not": I'll never be done training - and gosh, isn't "never" a big word? - even when I get to the highest color rank.

Oh yeah, and in Karate, too.

Best watch out, sweet friends, karen-the-great has designs on actual (rather than ironic) greatness. Haha! Bring it!